Dennis Hollingsworth

Ooh. You make me so angry!

The Illmatic is Back!

Or so I had hoped. But no. Wishful thinking.

I was checking in to Kim Jong Ill's site, he hasn't posted for a while now. As far as I could tell, there was a case of plagerism that interrupted his blog or something like that.

There are some moral problems with the rendition of a dictator in terms of cuteness, but this humor seems to just float away from a sensible sanction.

But I was bummed that that blogger checked out, it's been a year now. Funny, funny stuff.

Take a look, this the last post as KJI's blogger voice on August 11th, 2003 before it shifted to instant messaging and dialog scripting:

Holy cow so I finally saw that James Bond movie. Well, the first half anyway. I just got a Describeable Video Disc player from some foreigner I kidnapped. I mean I didn?t kidnap him myself, you know, I have people to do that sort of thing for me. Errand boys, military commandos, call them what you will; I call them Hey You.

Hey You could be a Korean name. ?Hae-Yu.? Okay maybe not quite. Chinese, perhaps. ?Heyu.?

?Heyu Tsang, nice to meet you. Hi, how are you, I?m Heyu. Heyu Tsang.? If I ever give birth to illegitimate Chinese children I will name one Heyu. I?m not saying I?m going to have illegitimate Chinese children--?cause god knows I?ve got enough illegitimate Korean children, Ha! Ha! Ha!--I?m just saying, if.

So where was I. Oh yeah, the James Bond movie. Yeah! It was set in North Korea! Wooooo! Party people! Woooooo!

I was surprised and delighted by how accurate some parts were. Like the beginning. I mean we totally have all those high-tech rifles and hovercrafts and fast, pointy cars. Like that pointy orange car in the beginning, that is just a taxi here. We have many, many of those.

What we don?t have are Korean people that turn white. That was so scary, right? Oh my god! Like when Rick Yune was running around with blue eyes I got so scared! I was kind of hiding behind my blanket, you know? So scary! I liked him better in ?Fast and Furious.?

?Fast and Furious,? that was another screenplay I wrote that Hollywood stole. One of my commandos liked my script so much he brought it with him on a mission to America and lost it somewhere in Los Angeles, and obviously the right people found it. They are thieves. All of those cars in the movie are North Korean, you know. Except ours go even faster. We are faster and furiouser.

Hmm, Faster and Furiouser. I like that. I think I just got an idea for a sequel.

So yes, overall I liked the first half of the James Bond movie. Though I will say the torture scene was kind of underdone. I mean god, it looked like a job interview to me. We don?t really have job interviews under Communism but I like to do them once in a while; it?s a great way to humiliate somebody in a new, interesting way. I like to keep it fresh.

Well, I have to go. I told my Hey You?s I would kill one of them as an example to the others and, well, today?s the day.